Families helping families build leadership for generational wealth
My kid would never… how do you know?
I have experience as a public-school educator serving as a leader in the classroom, the school, the district's superintendent, and every level. Over the years, I encountered countless families, and usually, it was when their child had done something that needed to be addressed. I lost count of the number of times I heard flustered parents and guardians that didn’t know what to do to support their children when they struggled academically, behaviorally, or mentally. Often the unfortunate truth that I may or may not have shared with them, depending on my relationship, is that by the time the children are in school, it is too late to begin thinking about how you are going to parent and what you are going to do if your child needs support. Once they were ready to face reality and I inquired about when they initially knew their child would need more help, it was always many years before. I made it a habit of asking families about their plans once they realized their child struggled in a particular area. Not once did any family that knew their child had challenges early on create a thoughtful plan about what they would do to manage it. The response was usually related to minimizing the issue “we didn’t think it was that bad,” or placing the burden of correction on an external system, “isn’t that what teachers, therapists, or doctors are trained to do?” Overall, I realized none of these families had ever actually sat down and planned how to lead their families, and there were millions more in the same situation.
Nowadays, when we hear parents talk about future planning, it is often about their ability to finance higher education, which is much more about themselves, their dreams for their kids, and their ability to support this dream. Saving a college fund has little to nothing to do with parenting a child or leading a family. That college fund doesn’t ensure your child is a “good person” who treats others with dignity and respect. It will not guarantee they know how to build relationships and healthily handle conflict and disappointment. It isn’t going to show them what it feels like to have a solid work ethic and push through on responsibilities even when they don’t “feel like it.” It also isn’t going to show them how to care for themselves and their home to stay clean, safe, and maintained. These are just some of the obligations of leading a family by teaching their children these ‘basic skills.’ Yet, many don’t know how to do this, and many families do not see this as their responsibility. But rest assured it is and so much more.
When I heard from parents whose children were wreaking havoc on the teacher, classmates, and the school, very few weren’t shocked when they learned about their child’s behaviors or academic progress. To be clear, I am not talking about the usual antics of children, although those can be annoying. I am speaking about incidents where racial, ethnic, or cultural slurs were used, constant accusations of bullying, causing physical harm, or, in the worst of cases committing a crime on campus. Whether the shock was real or, a defense mechanism to overshadow the shame often felt when a child had gone so far as to break the law or cause irreparable damage, the reality is that as parents, they now have a significant issue to address everyone differently. Although when asked about what types of safeguards or preventative measures were put in place to address the problems before they arise, a consistent blank stare occurred regardless of socioeconomic status. In other words, poor and rich parents did not have a well-thought-out plan for raising their families, what incremental goals they had along the way, or how they would achieve them. Even the well-educated and financially comfortable had children and families that needed their leadership and no clue what to do if their child struggled.
I knew this so well because I was one of them, and it wasn’t until my husband brought it to my attention. Admittedly as a parent, I had those moments when my teenage son would do the homework, not turn it in, and we would find all the missing assignments crumpled up in a backpack. I, too, had to ask myself in those moments, when I thought just asking them about their day and seeing them do the homework in the afternoons was enough, what was I doing to make sure that my child understood not only my expectations but why I had them and what would happen in the long run if they chose not to listen. I, too, had fallen into the false security of thinking that just because I set the expectations and the kids knew them, they would follow them with integrity.
We all have experienced those people that say and do things that may make us cringe, and then we realize that at the core of that emotion is the admission to yourself that you are related to that person.
Most of the time, we all do our best to see the good in the world. For many, this is a means of survival because it can be a bit much when we take a step back and look at how people have been treating one another. Am I the only one who has been seeing the chaos in the world and wondering what happens to create the current spirit of mean that seems to have overcome rational thought? Why do people struggle to live in a world where they can’t control everyone and how they think? As a parent, an educator, and a social anthropologist, I often see the world through a historical, cultural lens. So, it has caused me to want to dig deeper into our collective past to understand how some of the current views held in America, particularly about people who are different from the dominant culture, came to be.