How are we leading our families?

Have you ever had that moment as a parent where you take an introspective look at something your child has done and ponder if there was a way you could have prevented it? Or been listening to someone talk and wonder, what have they been through in life that leads them to think the way they do? Have you ever opened your mouth and shocked yourself when your mom or dad fell out of it? On a deeper level, I have had to analyze my thoughts, actions, or words and ask myself where those beliefs came from, and more importantly, is that how I feel or believe?

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand these aren’t often the types of thoughts that we typically share with others, and it wasn’t until one day that my husband and I were talking, and he said in passing, “you sound just like your dad” that I started to think deeply about what that meant.  My dad was hilarious and had a way of telling stories and being funny without trying, which I proudly inherited. I knew that’s what my husband was talking about and that he meant it as a compliment, but it made me think. If I sounded like my dad, which I knew was true, what else did I get from him that is part of whom I am without realizing it? My dad was awesome in so many ways, yet he, like all of us, had some shadowy sides to who he was and what he believed that I didn’t necessarily want to inherit and didn’t want to pass on to my kids. This is not a slight to my father. Dominant American society would have us think that honoring our parents is never saying anything that can be considered a critique. In American society, it is rude or unacceptable to say anything about someone’s shadowy side, especially if that person is in a position of actual or perceived power. It is part of being a responsible adult and a wise parent. If we do not profoundly analyze our views and those who raised us, how will we ever improve as a people, as a society, and most individually relevant, our families!

My husband's words made me think of the picture meme floating around of a child parroting their parental beliefs.  This image is often what I would envision during my many years as a school and district administrator when children were cruel to one another or said/did something with racial or other oppressive overtones. Predictably parents/guardians would be shocked at what their child has done. Inevitably, at some point in the conversation, one of them would say, “I have no idea where they get this from.” Administrators often hear that it was somewhat of an internal game school leaders play to see how long it would take before the parent would say some version of this dismissive and unaccountable statement.

Thinking about my children, I knew I didn’t want to be that parent, and more importantly, I didn’t want my kids to be “those kids” that are cruel to others or repeat phrases from home that were embarrassing to the family. This caused my husband and I to ask ourselves, what are we doing to be very intentional about how our children treat others? This led to us asking ourselves a critical question that changed the way we approached parenting and the leadership of our family. We had to pause and ask ourselves, what were we doing to effectively and strategically lead our family? Both of us had served in leadership roles and been through hundreds of hours of professional learning and training for our professions, but what do we do to hone our skills in the leadership role that we say is most important - Family Leadership. We knew all the parts of leadership in that leaders need to have vision, goals, strategy, support, measurable outcomes, etc., but how had we applied that to this leadership role. The truth is we hadn’t. We were both very accomplished in our jobs, and we were somewhat flying by the seat of our pants when it came to leading our family. Yes, they had food, shelter, vacations, played sports, and we were even coaches, scoutmasters, and served in the community. But we weren’t nearly as strategic, intentional, planned, or focused as we were in our paid roles. We hadn’t done the work of planning out how we would lead our family, and truthfully, we weren’t sure where to start. We knew what we didn’t want and started from there. This is where the foundations of Family Leadership were formed. Family Leadership is the intentional practice of planning and implementing individual and collective success goals to support raising children, maintaining relationships, and developing skills centered around five focus areas: Home, Personal, Relationship, Financial and Professional/Career Leadership.

What about you? Do you want to pass on to your children EVERYTHING from your upbringing? How will you be sure to only pass on to your children the parts that will help them? What are you doing so that you don’t end up as that embarrassed parent in the principal’s office wondering where your child was exposed to the language or behavior they chose? What would happen if we were more intentional about what we tell our children and how we model for them? Have you created a deliberate plan and approach to your marriage/relationship, raising your children, and leading your family? The first step to prioritizing our families and family leadership is to realize what it looks like and what the consequences are for each of us when it is not.